BREAKING NEWS: Scandal in the Oyster's cabinet?

Dear Friends,

Just like you, I was saddened, but not entirely surprised, to read the allegations printed in this morning's edition of Ball News. In an environment such as ours -- one where our elected authorities have abdicated their responsibilities to the community -- nefarious activity is bound to be all too common. Our politics makes "strange bedfellows", indeed.

For those who do not subscribe to Ball News, I will reprint excerpts from the editorial below:

• ...as all loyal Ball News readers know, we have been following the Official 4 story from its inception. It was Ball News that broke the story that a shadowy member of the Oyster's inner circle, known only as "Official 4", was working with the ball-hating organization known as Playt Front. Now Ball News has obtained photographs that prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Wacko Birdo is on "intimate terms" with several Playt Front principals. (Shocking images reprinted on Page 3! Not appropriate for small balls!)
• Wacko Birdo's brazen overtures to the Fascist Salamander and the Nazi Skinhead -- and during the preliminaries of a title game no less! -- were exposed and chronicled by courageous investigatve Ball News photographers at their own grave peril. Wacko Birdo is well-known for throwing balls out the window in fits of rage, and otherwise harming balls in unchecked fury.
• These scandalous photographs reveal that Wacko Birdo attempted to enter into carnal liaison with both Playt Front members at once! As you can see (photos reprinted on Page 3, not suitable for balls of circumference less than 2"), this is what our crack sports reporter SCOUNDREL (only in Ball News!) refers to as a "three-way". So extreme are Wacko Birdo's lusts that, apparently, one Nazi alone cannot satisfy them. All right-thinking balls must bounce or roll away from such corruption and moral turpitude.
  
• Knowing what we now know, is there any doubt remaining that Wacko Birdo is "Official 4"...?
  

Friends, it is not my place to cast aspersion on anyone's sexual proclivities; that is above my pay grade. I will continue to support the LBGTQ members of our community in their campaign for equal justice under the law. What the Oyster's deputies do behind closed doors is no business of mine.

However, close personal association with Playt Front members does constitute a betrayal of public trust. The organization known as Playt Front has made it known that they advocate expulsion and/or incineration for players who do not adhere to their standards of object purity. This murderous plan -- and those who espouse it -- must be repudiated by the Commissioner's office.

The Playt Progressive Party hereby calls for the resignation of:

1. Any member of the Oyster's administration who has ties with Playt Front,
2. Any member of the Oyster's administration who has comported with Playt Front members,
3. Any member of the Oyster's administration who has offered aid and succor to self-styled Playt Front warriors.

This call may seem draconian to some; it shouldn't. Playt Front is a violent fascist organization that, if left unchecked or encouraged, will cause civil disturbance and unrest in the box. In a civilized society such as ours, no room exists for hate crime or hate speech.

Playt Front must be condemned, not coddled.

In solidarity,
The Spring Chicken

Hope from overseas?

Dear Friends,

Due to the consciousness-raising efforts of the Playt Progressive Party, our plight in the box has become internationally recognized. Word of our poor living conditions has spread to the distant nation of Brooklyn, which is populated (mostly) by giants. Some -- rightfully -- might call this embarrassing. Surely it is that; it is also an opportunity.

The gigantic individual calling itself "Jayp" has offered to assist us in our relocation campaign. "Jayp" claims to have discovered several boxes that might serve as replacements for our tempest-ravaged home. But are these boxes adequate to our needs? Will they provide us the sort of dignified living quarters that the members of our community so richly deserve? Or are they dusty and musty and moldy, and incapable of sliding underneath the sofa?

Friends, I cannot answer these questions. I have no legal authority to negotiate with foreign dignitaries. It was my hope that, upon re-election, the Commissioner would assemble a more inclusive cabinet and that a PPP representative would be asked to serve in some offical capacity. Alas, the Oyster has surrounded itself with the same tired cast of do-nothing political insiders that marred its first term. Will the Oyster appoint a Foreign Secretary to open diplomatic relations with "Jayp"? Or, through drunken inaction, will this Commissioner squander another opportunity?

Urgently,
The Spring Chicken

A call to action.

Dear friends,

I write to confirm what you surely know already: our community is in crisis. Overcrowding in the box has never been as severe as it is today. The abominable degeneration of our living quarters has led directly to a crippling injury to one of our most storied and celebrated players. The Commissioner's healthcare czar has promised to move aggressively to repair the Aardvark; more than a week has gone by, and no Krazy Glue has been purchased, let alone administered.

While the Aardvark suffers unimaginable pain, anarchy reigns on and off the playing field. Game participants are yanked in and out of the box on the whims of the Oyster's un-elected deputy. Certain inexperienced game players exist only as proxies or "avatars" for other established players; worse yet, everybody knows this, and nobody does anything about it. Rule of law is disregarded, decorum is dispensed with, and the environmental cost of the Commissioner's neglect continues to mount. Not only are roads and cities in disrepair, but development cards are frayed, and the little plastic bags have holes in their corners. In short, our home is a mess; a hazard, too.

Even the Oyster's closest advisors know that change must come. The Commissioner's own un-elected deputy was quoted (by Ball News reporters) as saying that an "atmosphere of lies" hovers around the box. This high-ranking unelected official -- who lives in the same comfortable gated neighborhood as the Oyster -- called upon the Commissioner to address the growing discontent in our community.

And where was the Commissioner? Deep in its cups at The Oyster Bar, attempting to evade problems that must be addressed squarely.

This is unacceptable behavior. A crisis such as ours requires bold leadership. It must be met with courage and creativity, willingness to concede mistakes, and sufficient dedication to work as hard as possible to put it right. We must be as tenacious in confronting our healthcare and environmental challenges as we are when we bid on that oil-coal co-generation plant, or when we connect Turku to Ostersund.

Let me be crystal-clear about something: I am not calling for the Oyster's resignation. The Commissioner was chosen by a majority of voters, and I respect the will of the electorate. The democratic process is sacrosanct, and popular sovereignty -- backed as it must always be by the rule of law -- is not negotiable. There will be other elections; other opportunities to address our concerns at the ballot box. I urge all my friends and supporters to resist the violent, immoral pseudo-solutions offered by such fringe organizations as Playt Front.

That said, the Commissioner's office faces troubling questions about its legitimacy. If the Oyster is either incapable or unwilling to govern effectively, it must step (or roll) aside and make room for those who can. This is not merely posturing; the hour is too late, and the crisis is too deep, for quotidian politics. Instead, consider my words a warning. If our current leadership cannot or will not guide the ship of state, the tiller will be seized by stronger hands. History demonstrates that power vacuums cannot hold: eventually, authority is assumed by ambitious usurpers. In order to safeguard our community -- and our democracy -- from tyranny, the Oyster must act now, decisively, and soberly.

In solidarity,
The Spring Chicken


Paid for by the Playt Progressive Party (PPP), MMXIX; Luminous Cow, treasurer; make checks payable to The Luminous Cow.