Clarifications

Friends,

Just like you, I am thrilled to participate in the All-Playt Tournament that the SCOUNDREL has organized. I applaud meat for this public-spirited gesture, and I look forward to demonstrating my skills on the playing field. Yet I remind you all that U is not omniscient. Our fuzzy friend from Weeping Water, Nebraska (whose name may be Maurice) is more than capable of reproducing the same journalistic inaccuracies that have muddied political discourse in the box for as long as we all can remember.

I am unwavering in my support a free press, and will fight to the death for SCOUNDREL's right to print whatever it wants. That said, I must assure you all that peanut's suggestion that my marriage is purely one of political convenience is completely baseless.

The Luminescent Cow and I share a partnership that has endured -- and will continue to endure -- through trial and triumph, joy and disappointment, setback and success. My political career would be impossible were it not for the Cow's steadfast assistance. The Luminescent Cow has earned my devotion and undying admiration, and it is not as a public figure but as a humble spouse that I ask opponents and friends alike not to impugn the sanctity of our union.

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It was inspiring to see the Oyster back on its pseudopod -- and with only a few remaining cracks in its shell! -- and addressing the community before the Futures Game. It was a reminder of cherished old times, and an unspoken promise that our crustacean friend will be with us for many games to come. For that, we all can be grateful.

Heartwarming as it was, let us not forget that the Oyster's address was, fundamentally, a political speech. The Oyster served notice that it intends to cling -- barnacle-like -- to office. That is the Commissioner's prerogative, and we do not advocate a challenge to its legitimacy at this time. We of the PPP ask only that the Oyster clarify this statement it made in its valedictory address:

"Maybe it [the All-Playt Tournament] is just a school project. But so was the Holocaust, and that turned out great!"

Whatever its faults may be, we have never known the Oyster to harbor virulent prejudices. We must give our friend the benefit of the doubt. It is our belief that the Commissioner misspoke, or perhaps stumbled over a difficult passage in its prepared statement. Still, an explanation must be given for the Oyster's unfortunate decision to use the Commissioner's podium to spew hate speech.

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Finally, I call upon the Oyster to challenge the Home Team's scurrilous decision to send the Pie down to the minors. It is unfair, and, quite frankly, ridiculous to expect the Pie to play in a developmental league that doesn't exist. Until we establish a farm system for Playt, consigning players to the minor leagues ought to be strictly forbidden. Will the Oyster do the right thing and declare the Pie a free agent? Common sense dictates nothing less.

On to the games!,
The Spring Chicken

The Time For Action Is Now

Dear friends,

It seems not so long ago that we were a community united in concern and support for our fallen Commissioner. When the news of the Oyster's infirmity reached our box, we put aside partisan differences and stood as one behind our elected leader. For a time, we forgot about the very real challenges that confront us, and turned our attention to prayer, meditation, and other philosophical endeavors.

To a grieving community, this period of repose was necessary -- even salutary. Yet as long hours have turned into long days, and long days into even longer weeks, inaction has curdled into something like inertia. It is neither unpatriotic nor unfriendly for us to ask: where are we going? And what are we waiting for?

During the Oyster's recuperation, we of the Playt Progressive Party chose not to press the Commissioner about housing, education, the environment, meaningful political reform, and change we can believe in. Although these issues are as critical as ever, we tabled our agenda out of respect for our leader. It was our hope that after a period of repose, the Oyster would return to its duties with renewed energy and a vision for our future.

Alas, it was not to be. The Oyster has turned up to games intermittently, grumbled out an anthem or two, and returned to its gated community. It has held no press conferences and it has failed to establish a timetable for its return to full power. It is unclear who is in charge: has Cloten's term as Acting Commissioner drawn to a close? Will the Oyster ever return to active duty? Worse yet -- is this criminally lethargic effort the Oyster's idea of active duty?

Allow me to be the first to commend Cloten's cerebral efforts as temporary leader. Despite taking the reins during a difficult time, Cloten has kept his head, maintained composure, and preserved the dignity of our highest office. During the Acting Commissioner's term, we have incorporated two new games into our repertoire. A shortage of coal and indigo was met with a sterling diplomatic effort. Scoring has been fair and games have largely been controversy-free.

By no means is Cloten a progressive. Yet it is apparent to me that progressives in our community can work with this leader. We believe that the Acting Commissioner has felt fettered by lingering responsibility to the prior administration he helped elect: given the opportunity to effect true change, Cloten has demurred, choosing instead to defer decision until the Oyster recovers. If Cloten was made full Commissioner with all immediate and concomitant powers intact, we believe we would have a better chance of advancing our agenda.

Cloten was the Oyster's own choice for temporary office. Time has demonstrated the wisdom of this selection. Will the Oyster complete the gesture it began on its gurney, post-suicide attempt? Will our Commissioner now step aside and make room for the better leader?