BREAKING NEWS: Scandal in the Oyster's cabinet?

Dear Friends,

Just like you, I was saddened, but not entirely surprised, to read the allegations printed in this morning's edition of Ball News. In an environment such as ours -- one where our elected authorities have abdicated their responsibilities to the community -- nefarious activity is bound to be all too common. Our politics makes "strange bedfellows", indeed.

For those who do not subscribe to Ball News, I will reprint excerpts from the editorial below:

• ...as all loyal Ball News readers know, we have been following the Official 4 story from its inception. It was Ball News that broke the story that a shadowy member of the Oyster's inner circle, known only as "Official 4", was working with the ball-hating organization known as Playt Front. Now Ball News has obtained photographs that prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Wacko Birdo is on "intimate terms" with several Playt Front principals. (Shocking images reprinted on Page 3! Not appropriate for small balls!)
• Wacko Birdo's brazen overtures to the Fascist Salamander and the Nazi Skinhead -- and during the preliminaries of a title game no less! -- were exposed and chronicled by courageous investigatve Ball News photographers at their own grave peril. Wacko Birdo is well-known for throwing balls out the window in fits of rage, and otherwise harming balls in unchecked fury.
• These scandalous photographs reveal that Wacko Birdo attempted to enter into carnal liaison with both Playt Front members at once! As you can see (photos reprinted on Page 3, not suitable for balls of circumference less than 2"), this is what our crack sports reporter SCOUNDREL (only in Ball News!) refers to as a "three-way". So extreme are Wacko Birdo's lusts that, apparently, one Nazi alone cannot satisfy them. All right-thinking balls must bounce or roll away from such corruption and moral turpitude.
  
• Knowing what we now know, is there any doubt remaining that Wacko Birdo is "Official 4"...?
  

Friends, it is not my place to cast aspersion on anyone's sexual proclivities; that is above my pay grade. I will continue to support the LBGTQ members of our community in their campaign for equal justice under the law. What the Oyster's deputies do behind closed doors is no business of mine.

However, close personal association with Playt Front members does constitute a betrayal of public trust. The organization known as Playt Front has made it known that they advocate expulsion and/or incineration for players who do not adhere to their standards of object purity. This murderous plan -- and those who espouse it -- must be repudiated by the Commissioner's office.

The Playt Progressive Party hereby calls for the resignation of:

1. Any member of the Oyster's administration who has ties with Playt Front,
2. Any member of the Oyster's administration who has comported with Playt Front members,
3. Any member of the Oyster's administration who has offered aid and succor to self-styled Playt Front warriors.

This call may seem draconian to some; it shouldn't. Playt Front is a violent fascist organization that, if left unchecked or encouraged, will cause civil disturbance and unrest in the box. In a civilized society such as ours, no room exists for hate crime or hate speech.

Playt Front must be condemned, not coddled.

In solidarity,
The Spring Chicken