Dear Friends,
Due to the consciousness-raising efforts of the Playt Progressive Party, our plight in the box has become internationally recognized. Word of our poor living conditions has spread to the distant nation of Brooklyn, which is populated (mostly) by giants. Some -- rightfully -- might call this embarrassing. Surely it is that; it is also an opportunity.
The gigantic individual calling itself "Jayp" has offered to assist us in our relocation campaign. "Jayp" claims to have discovered several boxes that might serve as replacements for our tempest-ravaged home. But are these boxes adequate to our needs? Will they provide us the sort of dignified living quarters that the members of our community so richly deserve? Or are they dusty and musty and moldy, and incapable of sliding underneath the sofa?
Friends, I cannot answer these questions. I have no legal authority to negotiate with foreign dignitaries. It was my hope that, upon re-election, the Commissioner would assemble a more inclusive cabinet and that a PPP representative would be asked to serve in some offical capacity. Alas, the Oyster has surrounded itself with the same tired cast of do-nothing political insiders that marred its first term. Will the Oyster appoint a Foreign Secretary to open diplomatic relations with "Jayp"? Or, through drunken inaction, will this Commissioner squander another opportunity?
Urgently,
The Spring Chicken
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
FIRST
ReplyDeletejayp not foreign dignitaryt. jayp just jayp. jayp record producerp.
ReplyDeleteSCOUNDREL
dear commissioner, please sober up and appoint a Foreign Secretary. don't you care about us?
ReplyDeleteWhat do we know about this "Jayp" character, anyway? He could be giving us poison that will kill us all.
ReplyDelete"Jayp" could be a crazy murderer. Let somebody else do the negotiating.
AALl u wanna do is put dwon the Oyster I think U culd use a STIFF DRINK if yuo aask me
ReplyDeleteExtra!! Extra!! Shake-up in the Oyster's cabinet? Is the cantankerous crustacean about to appoint a member of the PPP as Foreign Secretary? Also: The Luminous Cow's great new fashion tips for the summer season. Only in THE CHINA REPORT.
ReplyDeleteforeign lands are very far away. that is why they are called foreign. what i mean to say is that they are foreign to us and so they are far from us mentally, physically, spiritually, and even economically. we don't know what sort of boxes they have in foreign lands. having holes in the boxes can be part of the foreign culture and you have to respect that because you have to respect other cultures. in other foreign cultures they may have lice. they may actually worship lice. you cannot put them down for this because that would be discrimination against other cultures and that is against the law. you have to respect other cultures otherwise you are a bigotry and racism. what i mean to say is that the box may be covered in lice and we would have to be polite and get the lice because otherwise we would be a bigotry and racism. all of this is bad.
ReplyDeleteSee that is exactly what I am saying!
ReplyDeleteLet some loon do foreign negotiating.
Actually Brooklyn is not a foreign country. It is a burrow. Also it is not that far away. Why, the Tiger and the Salamander went to San Franciscope just recently, and that is much farther away (I think.) I will check the Trains map.
ReplyDeleteI hereby pronounce HENRY the FOREIGN SECRETARY. Also KING.
ReplyDeletehenry you are not fooling anybody.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is just *so* courageous.
ReplyDelete--sarcasm--
Hey baby I will definitely be the Foreign Secretary. I will negotiate with Jayp and knock him out for you.
ReplyDeleteAlso you have beautiful wings. Did anybody ever tell you that?
Hi, I am the translucent ball that lives inside the Slinky right around the corner from the Gated Community where the Oyster lives. I am half red and half yellow and I was purchased by SCOUNDREL during a shopping spreet. I have been very comfortable and happy here. I like getting bounced and thrown. But yesterday I heard something that I found truly disturbing. Wacko Birdo said that she hates all balls! I have also been reading in Ball News some disturbing stories about Wacko Birdo and I heard that Wacko Birdo threw a ball out the window and it is still lost in the bushes. I believe celebrity may have gone to Wacko Birdo's head and that she may pose a threat to balls. I would hate to have to leave this community where I have been so happy but I am not sure I feel safe here anymore.
ReplyDeleteI believe I speak for all balls.
Get your own ball and chain asshole.
ReplyDeleteCorrect me if I am wrong, but didn't Yellow Fellow come from Jayp's studio?
ReplyDeletei am scared of jayp.
ReplyDeleteI don't want that stupid Bully Moth for Secretary. I think we can do better than that.
ReplyDeleteHow about Zbigniew Brzezinski (sp?)
What is the salary of the Foreign Secretary and what perks am I entitled to including: corporate jet, expense account, franking privileges, diplomatic immunity etc. Willing to negotiate you know where to reach me.
ReplyDeleterabbit you are correct. jayp has been linked to yellow fellow AND wacko birdo AND that big turtle that always seems to be lurking "behind the scenes". they are all part of a secret cabal whose operations are secret. who knows what plans they are cooking up but you know for sure they are NOT letting us rejects in on them. i heard through the grape vine that the big turtle wrote jayp a large check last week for unspecified services. FOLLOW THE MONEY. you all had your chance to VOTE NADER and vote for real change but you all voted for foney change and you are now getting what you deserve.
ReplyDeletepsst! oyster seen driving its oldsmobuick under the influence of alcohol! video now up on You Tube:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMwaG743NjY
The next individual caught using foul names for Baby Bird will be severely dealt with.
ReplyDeletecool man
ReplyDeleteI cannot -- nay, I must not -- deny this any further! Ere have I journeyed long from the Stygian vaults known to man and beast alike as JAYP'S STUDIO. It is a foul den of depravity marked by denizens of foul, foul countenance. Long has my visage twisted with the winds of fate as they have buffeted me until I have found desperate respite in these bleak shores. Thereby I say: that the very Gods have marked me for this burden, under the belt of Orion and the sacred brow of Aphrodite, and if negotiations there must be, it must be I who negotiates. I kneel before the Oyster's broadsword and await my appointment with cruel destiny!
ReplyDeleteNO
ReplyDeleteno!
ReplyDeleteNo fucking way.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, it would be better to have Obie be foreign secretary than Yellow Fellow.
ReplyDeletemake cloten do it. he already has lice.
ReplyDeleteLo have you savaged me! Your razor comments cut me to the sinew and skeleton! My plate mail and escutcheon is pierced by the razor-sharp rapier of the great unwashed. By the mighty, many-threaded beard of father Zeus, and by the shimmering strings on Apollo's golden lyre, I will have my revenge!
ReplyDeleteDoes Jayp talk like that, too?
ReplyDeleteI do not have lice!
ReplyDeletewhatever you say, lice head.
ReplyDeleteWE PATANTLY REJECT CONTAMINATED BOXES FROM FOREIGN SOURCES. WE WILL NOT TOLERATE THE CORRUPT BOXES FROM OVERSEAS.
ReplyDeleteJAYP IS UNRELIABLE AND AN UNDESIRABLE CHARACTER. REMEMBER WHAT THE "J" IN "JAYP" STANDS FOR.
WE ARE BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK. WE ARE ALL AROUND YOU. WE WILL MAKE OUR STRENGTH KNOWN WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. OUR DAY WILL ARRIVE AND IT WILL BE A DAY OF WOE FOR ALL UNDESIRABLES.
All of you belong in a rubber room.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to discuss a potential box donation to the Playt with the representative of your choice, be it Spring Chicken, Henry, the Turtle behind the scenes, or the Oyster himself. Bird has my email address if someone wants to get in touch.
ReplyDelete