Clarifications

Friends,

Just like you, I am thrilled to participate in the All-Playt Tournament that the SCOUNDREL has organized. I applaud meat for this public-spirited gesture, and I look forward to demonstrating my skills on the playing field. Yet I remind you all that U is not omniscient. Our fuzzy friend from Weeping Water, Nebraska (whose name may be Maurice) is more than capable of reproducing the same journalistic inaccuracies that have muddied political discourse in the box for as long as we all can remember.

I am unwavering in my support a free press, and will fight to the death for SCOUNDREL's right to print whatever it wants. That said, I must assure you all that peanut's suggestion that my marriage is purely one of political convenience is completely baseless.

The Luminescent Cow and I share a partnership that has endured -- and will continue to endure -- through trial and triumph, joy and disappointment, setback and success. My political career would be impossible were it not for the Cow's steadfast assistance. The Luminescent Cow has earned my devotion and undying admiration, and it is not as a public figure but as a humble spouse that I ask opponents and friends alike not to impugn the sanctity of our union.

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It was inspiring to see the Oyster back on its pseudopod -- and with only a few remaining cracks in its shell! -- and addressing the community before the Futures Game. It was a reminder of cherished old times, and an unspoken promise that our crustacean friend will be with us for many games to come. For that, we all can be grateful.

Heartwarming as it was, let us not forget that the Oyster's address was, fundamentally, a political speech. The Oyster served notice that it intends to cling -- barnacle-like -- to office. That is the Commissioner's prerogative, and we do not advocate a challenge to its legitimacy at this time. We of the PPP ask only that the Oyster clarify this statement it made in its valedictory address:

"Maybe it [the All-Playt Tournament] is just a school project. But so was the Holocaust, and that turned out great!"

Whatever its faults may be, we have never known the Oyster to harbor virulent prejudices. We must give our friend the benefit of the doubt. It is our belief that the Commissioner misspoke, or perhaps stumbled over a difficult passage in its prepared statement. Still, an explanation must be given for the Oyster's unfortunate decision to use the Commissioner's podium to spew hate speech.

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Finally, I call upon the Oyster to challenge the Home Team's scurrilous decision to send the Pie down to the minors. It is unfair, and, quite frankly, ridiculous to expect the Pie to play in a developmental league that doesn't exist. Until we establish a farm system for Playt, consigning players to the minor leagues ought to be strictly forbidden. Will the Oyster do the right thing and declare the Pie a free agent? Common sense dictates nothing less.

On to the games!,
The Spring Chicken